


Her Home

by Lola_McGee



Series: Her Self [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Addiction Parallel, But it's definitely not angsty by the end, Character Study, F/F, Gen, I did not go in with the intention of having them interact and now here we are, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, It's not the happiest, Kara Danvers is Important, Native Languages are Important, Oh! Ending isn't fully angsty, Potential Suicidal Thoughts, So no worry on that front, Surprise Kara and Jess friendship, Though that second one is less important to this particular story, and queer, angsty, but still relevant, probably, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2017-05-02
Packaged: 2018-10-27 00:51:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10798296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lola_McGee/pseuds/Lola_McGee
Summary: No idea how to summarize this, beyond going: a character study of Kara and her relationship to losing her powers.





	Her Home

**Author's Note:**

> So! This is the first fan fiction I've written in a really really long time. Like... maybe over ten years long time. But I got inspired by this post: http://randomthingsthatilike.com/post/159843319042/honestly-for-all-13-years-on-krypton-kara-did-not , and so now this is a thing that exists.
> 
> First time using AO3, so I apologize for any formatting errors, and my potentially limited ability to fix said formatting errors if they come up.
> 
> Also, for those who don't know, my concept of Jess the Secretary is heavily influenced by wtfoctagon's Sunset Honey and Lavender Sunsets http://archiveofourown.org/works/8780881/chapters/20128942 , specifically Jess' last name and the existence of her asshole brother. It is beautiful and should be read.
> 
> This is probably angsty. I tried for non angst, but I failed.
> 
> I have a lot of Kara feels, as well as Supergirl feels in general. The odds of me writing Lena Luthor, for example, is fairly high. However, I only watched a handful of episodes from both seasons, because the writing of Supergirl the show keeps on disappointing me. So, if I made any canon errors, I'm sorry.
> 
> Sorry for all the foreign language, but it's important. Translations at the end.
> 
> Unbetaed and edited only lightly. I'm lazy like that.
> 
> Finally, sorry if the title sucks, but titles are hard.

It was on a Thursday that Kara blew out her powers for the first time. She didn’t recognize it at the time; she had only first gained her powers a few months prior. 

(After crash landing on Earth. After discovering ʒɛd ʒ͡rɪ.θɹev.jum ʧɛ, her charge, her responsibility, the child who she used to change, who would grab her finger and grasp tightly cooing softly, had grown up, didn’t need her. Didn’t want her. And, this is what stung the most, kept her crying for weeks, wasn’t kɹɪp.tɑn.jum, but all together too human.) 

She blew out her powers; she had spent too much energy trying to control them, trying to make this new world quiet down, make the colours shut up. 

She just wanted to clench her fingers without breaking anything. She wanted to move without forcing her feet, her hands, her body to move as if they were caught in a thick fluid. She wanted her senses to no longer be jumbled up, to no longer be confusing smell with sight and hearing with touch, because there’s too much of each. She wanted her body to stop vibrating under the sun, to stop the rays from overfilling her, overwhelming her with the need to… to… expend this energy. 

(She wants to hold je.ju ʧɛ, u.kɹ̩ ʧɛ, je.ju.je ʧɛ, as tightly as she can; wants to trade a sly smile with Lana... Lana Va-Kor, she has to remind herself. She rarely called Lana by her full name before, ʒɛd :bysh zrhueiao; each knowing that the other hoped to be chosen as their mate when the time came. But now she won’t forget, can’t forget.)

And at the moment that she feels as if she is about to burst, a slight… feeling washes over her. Indescribable. Simply, one moment trying to wish the world to make sense, and the next, everything dulls to manageable levels; feels closer to zɛð than she has since the pod took off.

She finally feels kɹɪp.tɑn.jum again, and for the first time, she feels as if she might one day feel… not zɛð, but at ease on this strange new world, that she might finally be gaining a handle on this strange new reality. She might finally have a handle on her new powers. A pang of regret fills her, a day later, when they come back, in full force. She tries to replicate what allowed her to feel… normal without success; eventually she stops trying; she forgets to keep trying. And she forgets a little more after Jeremiah brings her her first pair of glasses, which helps dampen her powers. It doesn’t feel right, doesn’t feel anything like zɛð, but it is better.

__________________________________________________________________________

 

It was on a Thursday, 15 years later, that she blew out her powers and enjoyed it. Not the physical sensation of losing her powers, no. That was too much, too dangerous. It could hurt James or Winn or Lena or Maggie or, worst of all, je ʧɛ (She never tells Alex this, but in her mind, Alex will never be her sister, never be anything in any Earth language. Alex means too much to Kara, smells a little too much of zɛð, to be anything but je ʧɛ.) 

(She has to push away the thought that she too could be in danger or die; she’s not sure how she feels about that. She’s secondary in these thoughts. She doesn’t want to be in danger or die, but she can’t quite tell whether that is because she wants to keep on living, or because she can’t bear the thought that her blowing out her powers might cause, directly or indirectly, for ʒɛd zɛð to be injured in any way.)

But, the aftermath, the sensation of not having her powers, no longer drowns her in darkness. It has happened before, and will almost certainly happen again. And while she can never get used to the sensation of one moment having her powers and the next moment not, she is no longer stumbling around for hours, but for only a few minutes. And, for however long her body is planning to keep her powers away, she can pretend. Not that she is human; no, she is not Kal-El (Clark, he gently corrects her each and every time, until she stops naming him that). She can never be human. But, in the silence (silence compared to her new normal, with only the low murmurs of things near her; nothing like the all-encompassing, penetrating silence of the Phantom Zone) of her own apartment, she can pretend that Krɪp.tɑn is still alive, that with blinds drawn, Rao is still watching over her. She can finally grieve for her old normal.

(Earth is, and will always be her new normal. It doesn’t matter that she has now spent more time on Earth than she ever did on Krɪp.tɑn; that she has had Eliza as a foster mother for more years than she had je.ju ʧɛ. Earth will always be alien to her. Alex chuckled the first time that Kara said that.)

A familiar pang of regret filled her, 18 hours later, when her powers returned to her.

 

__________________________________________________________________________

 

It was on a Thursday, 6 months later, that she blew out her powers intentionally for the first time. It was a fairly quick decision; she felt her powers on the verge of blowing out, about to be stretched too thin to keep on going. And, with this warning on her side, she could have avoided it. Done something safer, less risky. It wasn’t as if she needed to expend all of her powers in that moment. It was a simple alien situation; just one at the end of a long string of simple situations. No one would have blamed her if she backed off and let the DEO do their job (her job), rested in a sunbed for a few hours, restore herself. Maybe even take a few days after where she only did minimal work; refocus on CatCo. Instead, she pushed further, drawing out the last spark within her. And with that indescribable sensation, she lost her powers once more.

Afterwards, she spent three whole days without her powers. Everyone had prepared for the usual; for Kara to be withdrawn, moody, obviously upset and potentially feeling ill; for Kara to not wish to leave her apartment, for Game Night to be delayed until after her powers returned. Instead, they were met with a Kara who seemed… well like Kara. Game Night went ahead, even though Kara had no powers, she laughed and joked and smiled as if nothing had happened at all.

(And if she still didn’t leave her apartment, still kept her blinds drawn; well, Kara tells herself, that’s not too much of a big deal. This is still better than normal.)

(And if she was a little too enthusiastic to hold Lena close, to whisper against her bare skin, calling Lena ʒɛd zɛð, to let Lena touch her despite Kryptonian’s inability to orgasm; well, Kara tells herself, that wasn’t a problem in anyone’s books.)

(And if, only 3 months later, she blew out her powers again, after pushing herself too far again; well, Kara tells herself, it’s worrying, but nothing they haven’t dealt with before.)

(And if Kara is pushing herself harder out in the field, spending more energy on non-dangerous tasks; well, Kara tells herself, if no one got hurt, and she seemed the same, then it’s a difficult problem to bring up, or even quite find the evidence that it’s there.)

(And if Kara takes more breaks from Supergirl to work for CatCo from her apartment, in three or four day bursts every couple of months; well, Kara tells herself, no one deserved to take personal time more than Supergirl. And no one needed to know that the blinds were closed during those days, only opened when others were around.)

__________________________________________________________________________

 

It was on a Thursday, three years later, that someone finally forces the issue; and as a surprise, it’s Jessica Hoang, loyal secretary, and heir-apparent of L-Corp, considering the number of times she has stepped into the Acting CEO role. Jess is presumably not the first to notice; after all, despite how fond of Jess Kara is, they don’t spend too much time together. They see each other nearly every day, but only in passing. She declines invitations to Game Night far more often than not, never quite gelling right with the rest of the Superfriends.

On the other hand, perhaps it is unsurprising that Jess is the one to force the issue. Despite spending less time with Kara than others, she probably spends more time with Lena than almost anyone else. They are fast friends; watching out for each other in a world hostile to them. They long passed the normal secretary--boss relationship; weekly lunches out of the office are a thing, no significant others invited, nor any discussion of L-Corp business allowed. Jess is also observant and brilliant, undeniably so. Any secretary worth her salt must be. And Jess is worth far more than her salt. So, of course she knows that Kara is Supergirl, though the two never have explicitly acknowledged the fact. Add that bit of knowledge with the many files on Kryptonians, files that only exist on paper in Lena’s office (courtesy, initially, of Lex, to help him kill his fiercest enemy, to kill Kal. Later Lena, to help protect her greatest love, to protect Kara) accessible to only three people in the world, and it is unsurprising that Jess would at least be able to piece together all the relevant pieces of information.

But the fact that probably seals that she knows that something is going on, that she might not know the exact contours of what is happening but she knows enough, is her brother. (As with Lex in relation to Lena, Kara never refers to Jess’ brother as ʒɛd u.e. Neither of them deserve it, deserve to be honoured by Kɹɪp.tɑn.ju.o marking their relationship with women who are far too good for them.) Her brother, who spiralled far beyond Jess’ reach, who swung from vicious and violent to beaming and generous and kind. But, most of all, she saw the needle tracks running down his arm, his never-ending insistence to escape the world for a bit; escape the world that had wronged him (never mind how he wronged his sister). And she sees that repeated in Kara; a different expression (Kara is never vicious or violent when she has not blown out her power in a few months, just… slightly emptier.) 

Nor ought it to be a surprise that Jess was the one who brought it up. Alex remembered Kara, broken and crying, too clearly to find the words to easily broach the topic. Lena loves Kara too much, was so afraid that pushing this topic will drive Kara away, like she pushed away Lex, that everything else was going so well between them and these mysterious times are really the only downside that they cannot work through. The others? J’onn, Winn, James, Maggie, even Kal-El (Clark, always Clark) didn’t understand enough, didn’t see enough, to have all the pieces at their disposal. They knew something was wrong, but they can’t quite see what. Just that it had been festering under the surface for long while.

So, it’s Jess who took a rare day off from L-Corp, when Lena mentioned that Supergirl had blown her powers again. It’s Jess who went to Kara and Lena’s apartment and uses the key she has, in case of emergencies. 

(Lena had made a special note in her calendar, only a few months away, of an event taking place at that apartment, reading, simply, “EP”. Jess can only chuckle at the fact that Lena planned an engagement party months before she actually proposes. She knew the ring is hidden in Lena’s desk, just on top of some important paperwork that needs to be accessed regularly; sometimes Lena is at bad at hiding things as Kara.)

So, it’s Jess who found Kara laying on the floor, tears rolling down her face, a glassy look in her eyes. Found her muttering and murmuring to herself, 

And it’s Jess who cleans Kara up, keeps her company the rest of the day, sits by her while she works up the energy to explain, as best as possible, to Lena. Who gave them their privacy during and after that conversation. Who called Alex to let her know that she needed to go to the apartment. Who hunted down the name of a psychologist who specializes in alien PTSD. Who, with Kara’s permission, booked the first appointment. Who still never confirmed or denied that she knows who Supergirl is. Who made no mention of the modified NDA that she signed, next time she needed to. Who keeps Kara company any other time she blows out her power; acting as the guard between Kara and others when Kara doesn’t want visitors; even Alex and Lena.

(And despite what harsh words pass the first time she took up this role, Jess will never replace either Alex or Lena; nor does she ever want to. But this is what Kara and Jess’ relationship evolves into. Jess guards those who she cares about, and tries to create spaces where they’re allowed to be something they can’t be with others. Where they can be vulnerable in ways they can’t be around others.)

And it’s Jess, recalling the files that she had read (that she had access to), who initially mentioned the idea which Lena and Winn take on eagerly, for Kara’s sake.

__________________________________________________________________________

It is on a Thursday, five years later, that Kara finally feels at home, actually truly at home, on Earth.

(It is not ʒɛd zɛð, not by a long shot. ʒɛd zɛð is long gone, with je.ju ʧɛ, u.kɹ̩ ʧɛ, ʒɛd :bysh zrhueiao. And while she has je ʧɛ, while she has Lena, Maggie, Jess, Winn, James, J’onn, Eliza, and the rest, they can never be ʒɛd zɛð. But they can, and are, her home.)

Kara has been in the Red Sun Room before; has been many times. It took years to perfect; to ensure she can enter and leave it safely, while letting her still feel. And, for the first time in the room, on this particular Thursday, she no longer pretends. She no longer pretends that Krɪp.tɑn is still there, that she is not alone. It’s been far too long for this fantasy to feel real to Kara.

Instead, she allows herself to hope that Rao has taken care of everyone; from ju.je ʧɛ to Lana Va-Kor, and even je.ju.je ʧɛ. Instead, she allows herself to feel their loss. Instead, she allows the memories to wash over her.

In the Red Sun Room, she is not Kara Danvers. She is not Supergirl. She is not Kara Zor-El. She is simply Kara. And, perhaps, that is enough for a brief moment in time.

**Author's Note:**

> Translations: From Kryptonian.info. I tried my best to accurately use these, but language is my strong suit, not languages and the Kryptonian language is especially… foreign (Eh! Eh!). Despite that, I always love a good translation attempt, so I’ll be breaking down some of the specifics of what I am doing and why I am doing it, and if I’m using it wrong, feel free to correct me!
> 
> Final note: I apologize is in advance if any of the formatting is thrown off. This is my first time using AO3 and so I still have to learn the formatting ropes.
> 
> ʒɛd ʒ͡rɪ.θɹev.jum ʧɛ: Her family (specifically, relating to a member of her house). While, perhaps, the ʒɛd (that is, pronoun “her”) isn’t needed (after all the her is implicit with the honorific ʧɛ, and Kryptonian seems not to make too big a difference between 3rd person sentient gendered and nongendered pronouns; at least in the alphabetic and nonideographic written language), I prefer this form because it is explicit in including the ʒɛd, and from what I can tell, translating “... is her [familial relation]” requires the use of ʒɛd. Also I want to introduce the concept of ʒɛd, so while future uses referencing family members might not use ʒɛd, this time it will.
> 
> Kɹɪp.tɑn.jum: Kryptonian (Specifically, one of the Kryptonian people.)
> 
> je.ju ʧɛ: Her mother. I know, I know, I’m not using ʒɛd on this one, but I feel that this particular time to use it is a little less formal.
> 
> u.kɹ̩ ʧɛ: Her father.
> 
> je.ju.je ʧɛ: Her aunt (Or, more accurately, her mother’s sister). This is a word I made up by combining je.ju (Mother) with je (Sister). I couldn’t find a word for aunt, and putting down her mother’s sister in a more correct way would come out to something like ʒɛd je.ju ʧɛ je ʧɛ, and that looks like a right mess.
> 
> Lana Va-Kor: Quick note on this. Name’s made up and therefore might not make sense with how Kryptonian names are usually spelt. Also, Kryptonian naming convention is extremely gendered. While I want to continue exploring Kryptonian culture and might eventually make up my own naming convention for Kryptonian names that aren’t gendered (b/c why would aliens have anything approximating human genders?), but for now we’ve got what we got.
> 
> ʒɛd :bysh zrhueiao: Literally, her loveliest friend. I’m trying to convey the concept of Lana being both Kara’s best friend (which, as far as I know, doesn’t have a word or phrase in Kryptonian) and also Kara having a Kryptonian crush on Lana.
> 
> Zɛð: home. Also translates to family.
> 
> je ʧɛ: As mentioned above, her sister.  
> Krɪp.tɑn: Krypton
> 
> ʒɛd u.e: her brother.
> 
> Kɹɪp.tɑn.ju.o: The Kryptonian Language.


End file.
